Molly's Chambers

Speedy West

2010-06-11T08:15:00.000-07:00

When I was a little girl singing at the Texas Steel Guitar Association Jamborees, Speedy West used to sit on the edge of the stage at my feet and watch me sing. Speedy was in his late seventies at the time and he had lost use of one of his hands due to a stroke which kept him from playing his beloved instrument. I was told that Speedy was a celebrity and of all the famous musicians he had played with over the course of his career. My father had an old album of Speedy's he played for me and I heard how great of an inspiration he was for many steel guitar musicians, but I never got to see him play. I am very grateful for youtube, otherwise I never would have seen Speedy doing what he did best. It overwhelms me now when I recall seeing him sitting there at the foot of the stage staring up at me with this absolute joy and appreciation in his eyes. He was a very kind man and a brilliant musician. I couldn't be more thankful to have known him, to have hugged him, to have received his praise and his support. Rest in peace dear friend.

Prayer Warrior

2010-06-11T06:08:00.000-07:00

Dear God,

Thank you for this day and for the rich opportunities this day will bring forward. I pray for your love and light to guide me in all my endeavors, that I am safe, that I am protected, that I am free to express my gifts, that I may have work that fulfills me and nourishes my life, personally and financially. I am eternally grateful for all that is and have complete faith and trust that all my needs are met.

And so it is. Amen

Enjoy this Shower Meditation:

Start the water in your shower and begin to visualize yourself stepping beneath a warm, healing waterfall. As you step into the water (literally) imagine yourself standing in the most beautiful, serene place on earth, immersed in healing waters. Simply stand and allow the water to run over you, and say the words, "I am cleansed of all negativity and fear, I am free, whole and complete." Repeat this several times before resuming your shower.

Fear means...False Evidence Appearing Real

Write out any fearful, fretful, angry or negative thoughts that may have come up during the day into your journal. Get these thoughts outside of your mind, and remove them from your energetic space at the end of each day. Thoughts do matter! Do not house negative or fearful thoughts inside of you. Move them out in healthy ways.

Say This Blessing Every Evening...

Say this blessing every evening before going to sleep:

Dear God,

Please bless this night and guide me to a restful sleep filled with dreams that enlighten and show me the way. May I awaken renewed with abounding faith and a grateful heart, ready to receive and celebrate the gift of a new day, your most gracious present.

And so it is. Amen.

Pray Every Day

Pray every day upon rising and before going to bed.

Pray For Guidance

Ask for guidance on how you can be of service to your family and community.

Pray For Help

Pray for help and relief to those who are in financial struggle; food for the hungry; shelter for those without homes.

Pray for Aid

Pray for aid, guidance and support in your own life, for your employer, your neighbors and your community.

Pray for the Economy

Pray for the economy to become healthy and strong.

Pray for Financial Awareness

Pray to become financially aware and empowered.

Pray for What You Cannot See

Read the passage below for inspiration and to remind you of your commitment to being a great Prayer Warrior.

Pray for what you cannot see.
Pray clearly
for what you can only faintly grasp.
Pray silently
from the core of your being.
Pray for healing.
Pray for humanity.
Pray lovingly
Pray deeply ---
pray so deeply that
the prayer and the praying
become one.

~Charles Elkind

VH1 Rock Honors: The Who - Pearl Jam performance

2010-06-10T09:10:00.000-07:00

Cartoons I like...

2010-06-10T07:52:00.001-07:00

Dear God

2010-06-10T06:52:00.000-07:00

Dear God,
Speak into my words today.
Think into my thoughts today.
Work in all my deeds today.
I am yours to use, today and forever.
And so it is!

King Bowie & Princess Layla

2010-06-08T11:47:00.001-07:00

Denton Dog Days
June 5, 2010

This was our 1st time out at Denton Dog days. All in all, it was pretty fun. We all enjoyed seeing the different kinds of dogs, even though most were wearing tutu's. I am usually against dressing up our dogs, unless it's Halloween, but this was for a good cause and they both looked really cute. I'm just glad the lady taking the pictures was quick, because this moment of Bowie & Layla sitting down only lasted about 5 seconds.

Work Prayer

2010-06-08T10:37:00.000-07:00

Breath Prayer:
Inhale: "My work today...
Exhale: "May it serve a greater good."

Prayer/Meditation

Holy One,
I come to work today, and this is what I offer:
Me. Here. In this place.
Use this life of mine for a higher cause, a greater good.
If this is not a place that is good for me or for the world,
then help me to move on from this work.
May this be a place of transformation.
May I learn the lessons here that I am to learn.
May I convey hope or a healing to those I encounter today
in person, on the phone, or via email.
If there is chaos or a problem here today,
may I listen deeply, beyond the din of that noise.
If there are politics played out, please help me to act wisely.
May I keep my ego in check. May I be generous and compassionate.
Amen.

2009-09-12T11:06:00.001-07:00

I remember 5th grade as being the school year that I made my first B. I had made an 89 in Math the last six weeks of school. Up until that point I had been an all A student and after that year I never recovered the all A status.

I don't remember what we were learning that last six weeks in math or why I was experiencing my first hardship with a school subject, but I do remember how it felt to lose the confidence I always had about school and my ability to do well. I had to do better than "well" to be honest. I was born with the drive to succeed, to master whatever was put in front of me quickly. A favorite musing of my family is to recall how I could recite the pledge of allegiance accurately and articulately by the age of 2, how I was reading on my own by 3 and performing live with my father's band and had an entire book of nursery rhymes and songs memorized. I was wonderfully delightful and amusing to the adults and I basked in the glory of being admired for my natural abilities.

School was naturally easy for me. This is probably due to having an elementary school teacher as your mom. When I was ready to enter 1st grade, I remember having to take a test and then there was talk of me skipping ahead into 2nd grade. I liked that idea. This was just another opportunity to show off. I thought "They should just go ahead and skip me straight into 3rd grade with my mom and I can show those older kids she was teaching how much smarter than them I am too!" To say I was overly confident and arrogant is an understatement, but these attributes are usually there to overcompensate for something. Maybe the greatest lesson of my young life was learning some humility. From grade school on, the humility lessons I received were very painful for me. My fall from the perceived grace of my childhood was a long arduous one and my descent became evident with that inaugural B in Math.

I swore off math at that point. If I'm not good at it, if it makes me feel less than everyone else I have no need for it. By 5th grade I was practiced at renouncing anything I wasn't good at. Asthma had presented a hardship for me at home and more especially at school. I was treated as though I was lazy at times, which I was in a way because it had been decided by the adults that I just shouldn't run and play.

To this day, I have a mean lazy streak when it comes to doing physical things.. I'm always pointing out to my youngest daughter that a dog is a dog. I don't care what starlet she sees on TV sporting a toy-sized dog breed as an accessory to her persona., the way the dog is being treated is wrong. Dogs aren't toys to be carried about like a security blanket or a coach purse. A dog needs to be a dog by running around, exploring, sniffing out clues to where a chew toy has gone and then spending hours chewing on that discovered toy. Just like a kid needs to run and play to exert all that wonderful natural energy instead of languishing on the sidelines watching other kids do all the things she wants to do but can't.

1st EMDR Session

2009-09-09T16:14:00.000-07:00

Several years ago, during one of my lunch breaks, I was listening to The Diane Reams Show on NPR. She was interviewing a woman named Maggie Scarf who had recently published a book called “Secrets, Lies, Betrayals: How the Body Holds the Secrets of a Life, and How to Unlock Them”. The book explores how the body holds on to painful episodes from the past—including secrets we may be keeping even from ourselves—and how we can release them to live freer, healthier lives. She talked about how the body has a unique memory system and how the body processes those memories and at times, how it doesn’t process certain memories. While I listened to her interview, I knew in my heart that I had to go and get her book immediately. I felt a wave of enthusiasm and excitement wash over me at the prospect of being able to heal specific issues that had haunted me for many years. Then she said the acronym that would change my life, EMDR.

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing is a therapy used to heal the symptoms of trauma, as well as other emotional conditions. The EMDR therapy uses bilateral stimulation, right/left eye movement, or tactile stimulation, or sound, which repeatedly activates the opposite sides of the brain releasing emotional experiences that are "trapped" in the nervous system. This assists the neurophysiology system, the basis of the mind/body connection, to free itself of blockages and reconnect itself. EMDR allows a person to process an emotional experience. Most importantly, it can eliminate stress surrounding the traumatic event, with the purpose of allowing new life into the once traumatized and emotionally difficult memory.

I had been in therapy with Victims Outreach in Dallas for close to two years at that point and my therapist and I both felt that we had hit a plateau in my recovery process. I needed some emotional Draino to break through the remaining blockages. I couldn't wait to tell my therapist about Maggie’s book that I had just inhaled and at the mention of EMDR, she told me one of the other therapists there was a trained EMDR practitioner. That was one of the purest moments of synchronicity I have ever experienced. The tools always reveal themselves when you are ready to use them.

I felt I was pretty knowledgeable about the process from all the reading I had done before we started my sessions. I learned when disturbing experiences occur, they are stored in the brain with all the sights, sounds, thoughts and feelings that accompany it. When you are very upset, the brain seems to be unable to process the experience as it would normally. Therefore, the negative thoughts and feelings of the traumatic event are "trapped" in the nervous system. Since the brain cannot process these emotions, the experience and its accompanying feelings are often suppressed from consciousness. However, the distress lives on in the nervous system where it causes disturbances in the emotional functioning of the person. The EMDR Technique does two very important things. First, it "unlocks" the negative memories and emotions stored in the nervous system, and second, it helps the brain to successfully process the experience. EMDR sessions work amazingly fast. Processing even the most difficult memories can be achieved in a fraction of the time it would have taken with traditional therapy.

Before we could start the sessions, I had to fill out a questionnaire and write down all the troublesome memories I wanted to work on. This ended up being more of a brainstorming exercise in the end because I think we used two out of the eight memories I originally wrote down. The rest were determined by the progress made in the sessions.

I was so excited the day of my first session, I know I talked about it all day to anyone who would listen. When I got to the office that afternoon, Jennifer (EMDR Practitioner) had us set up on one of the rooms with two chairs facing each other and a small table in between. Jennifer entered the room with white wires dangling from her arms like a decorative fringe. She smiled at me as she arranged the machinery on the table. She had a white rectangular object that reminded me of something, but I couldn’t put my finger on what it was until she set it upright. It looked like a Lite Brite with all the pegs already placed across the grid of the screen. She had untangled the little white wires that had disks on the ends that you could lightly grip in your hands. These were used for the tactile stimulation that would sync up with the light pattern I would watch on the “Lite Brite”. Jennifer explained to me how I could choose which light pattern I wanted from the machine and proceeding to show them to me. It could choose from a center light moving left to right or right to left. Diagonal patterns and zig-zags. I tried all of them to see which one I was most comfortable with and then she selected the infinity loop. Perfect. The infinity loop made so much sense to me, it’s like watching music being conducted. The tactile receptors in my hands would vibrate in time with the loop I was watching along with a synchronized click. After all the mechanics were arranged, the pace on the loop set and me very comfortable in my chair we began.

She first asked me what memory we were working on that day. I decided to go for something I considered easy, something that had always bugged me. I have had asthma since I was 5 or so. At least that’s when I had my first documented asthma attack; documented mainly because it occurred in the doctor’s office while my mom was getting her allergy shots. My father had an unhealthy fear of my asthma to say the least. The memory, or collection of memories, was of all the times he told me I would die from an asthma attack when he caught me running around and playing. I couldn’t get worked up, laugh too much, cry to much, get emotional, run or any exercise that could cause an attack. Pretty much, I couldn’t be a kid. Jennifer asked me how the memories made me feel and I was to list off emotions. I said angry, sick, alone, scared, betrayed, worthless..and then we stopped. She asked me to hold the memory in my mind and tell her where I felt tension in my body. The tension was in my chest. It hadn’t registered to me until she asked that my chest had become tighter and tighter since we began.

“What do you want to feel when you think of these memories?“ She asked.

“I want to feel safe. I want to feel that it’s okay to be alive.”

She then told me to hold the emotions, the sensation and the memory in my mind and watch the infinity loop. The disks in my hands pulsed in succession with the loop as it careened back and forth. At first, all of my attention was on the loop and the sounds. I had to concentrate to keep up and then my mind began this odd sort of wandering. It was like a spool of memory unfurling and cascading to the floor. I gently moved along the ribbon of memories that was weaved together by one memory into the next. There association with the other didn’t always make sense. Jennifer stopped the loop.

“Where are you?” she asked quietly.

“I don’t know. Not where I thought?”

“Can you keep going?”

“Yes!”

The loop began again and the pulsing in my hands felt as though I was holding my heart. I concentrated on the light looping effortlessly across the panel and the memories began to stream across my mind again. I think this must be what it’s like when someone says that their entire life just flashed before their eyes, but though the sensation and the flow of memories only lasted a few seconds it seemed timeless while in the experience.

I could hear my dad. I could smell the house I grew up in. I could hear the TV and cartoons I used to watch as I though I was in the room. I saw myself sitting out in PE. I saw the sadness within the child I used to be, as though the sadness were a color. I heard myself being teased by kids I once knew. I felt disappointment radiating all around me. My chest began to hurt and while completely conscious of what was happening to me I had a phantom asthma attack. Jennifer stopped the session to assess if I could continue. I insisted that we keep going. I knew I was close to the source. But the source of what?

We began again and it went much faster. It’s as though I had to wander along all these old memories and ask this memory where that one had gone and they guided me along, until I reached the one I needed to find which couldn’t have been more surprising.

Everything looked golden, like it does at sunset in June. I could feel a warm breeze and I felt small. There were two long black shadows flanking me and a shaft on golden light glowing down from above. Then the shadows began to speak and I realized the shadows were my parents. At first, I couldn’t understand what they were saying. As I strained to understand the words they were speaking, I found I had to make myself concentrate because I felt overwhelmingly bored. But I wasn’t bored. The me actively listening and trying to suss out this memory recognized I was experiencing the memory as it was. At the time that this memory was occurring I didn’t understand what my parents were saying and I was bored by it. Then my attention shifted as it had at the same precise moment it did when I was a child, They were fighting. They were fighting about me. Then my adult self heard them, heard every nasty word they rained down over my child head. As soon as I could recognize what was said it became a jumbled mess. Words that I know and understand I suddenly forgot the meaning to and then I recognized that child me didn’t know those words. I had heard them spoken and they had been recorded in my mind without any association to their meaning. It was one of the most intense experiences I have ever had. It took me a moment to grasp that I had gone back and relived a recorded moment in my mind. Jennifer stopped the loop.

She had me briefly describe what I was experiencing and then asked me how I felt.

“I feel…I feel neglected.” The moment the words released themselves from my lips my entire body relaxed and I felt this heaviness in my soul dissipate.

“Where do you feel it in your body?” Jennifer asked and I noticed her disposition had changed.
During the session up until that point she had been very calm and peaceful, but now she was driving the session forward very quickly. It seemed to me that we had reached the breakthrough and now it was time to move out whatever had decided to nest in that space within me.

“My Chest.”

“Focus on it and watch the lights. Don’t lose it.”

We started the loop again and I focused on the pain in my chest. Every breathe became more laborious than the one before and then this pain began to move. It moved towards my heart and felt like I was being stabbed from within.

“Where is it now?”

“It’s in my heart.”

“Okay, you need to move it out now.”

The lights began their loop again and I focused my mind on the pain in my heart and started to move it down my arm until I felt it move completely out of my fingers. The left side of my body felt exhausted and my muscles were very tired and weak. It was also hard to miss the very acidic smell coming from that side of my body. It smelled like poison and sickness. I went home that evening and ended up having to drink a ton of water and rest because you would have thought I had the flu with how achy and exhausted I was. That was one of the first nights in a very long time that I went to bed and fell asleep without having an anxiety attack of some sort. I felt better inside my own head than I had in a long time and that was only the beginning. I learned that this process for me was like peeling layers off an onion. It took alot of work to get down to the core traumas that had been controlling me.

I’m happy to report that the asthma issues, chronic bronchitis and pneumonia that plagued me through childhood into early adulthood has subsided. Since having that EMDR session I have not had any chest illnesses. I’m very proud of that and now truly recognize the body/mind connection. This session is also my favorite to recall probably because it was the only one where even if just for a few seconds I was a kid again. I remembered her and I haven’t forgotten her since.
　
　
If you are curious about EMDR here are a few sites to check out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hJDrMDT_ezU

http://www.emdr.com/

http://www.maggiescarf.com/　
　
　

Girl Scouts

2009-09-04T09:40:00.000-07:00

Last night I took the girls to sign up for Girl Scouts. The girls were obviously very excited, but I was honestly surprised at how excited I turned out to be. I was so excited, in fact, that I signed up to volunteer with the girls' troop. This is not my typical mod-us operand i. Generally, I feel out of sorts around a lot of women. I have worked in the very male dominated industry of construction for over 10 years now and have always been proud of my ability to hold my own. For the first time since I have worked at Poltex Tile/The Granite Shop, I am the only woman employed here. Granted I do deal with female clients regularly, but my overall day at work is spent with men. It doesn't bother me to be the only woman here, but I have become more acutely aware to the slight discrimination's of my sex that are a typical occurrence. Yesterday, for example, I was talking to a (male) vendor who kept calling me "sweetie" during our conversation. Over the years that I have been in this industry, this is a relatively common practice for some. I generally overlook the cutesy names and carry on with my day, but I really got hung up on the fact that he felt it was okay to refer to me that way. Does he call his male clients "sweetie" while dealing with them? I doubt that he does. The conversation was over before I realized how angry the interaction had made me. I sat at the Girl Scout recruitment meeting and watched all the girls running around excited and playing. I could feel the passion and enthusiasm of the women leaders for this organization and I was infused with it as well by the time we left. I considered how grateful I had become over the course of an hour for all the things that vexed me earlier in the day and thank God for the opportunity to see the larger picture. I could spend my energy setting every man straight that I encounter who makes a remark I find sexually discriminating and possibly become very frustrated and bitter in the process. Or, I can just accept and be proud that I am one of many round pegs in a square world and that the world is better for it.

The Girl Scout Law

I will do my best to be
honest and fair,
friendly and helpful,
considerate and caring,
courageous and strong, and
responsible for what I say and do,
and to
respect myself and others,
respect authority,
use resources wisely,
make the world a better place, and
be a sister to every Girl Scout.

In an effort to use my resources wisely, I will not spend them brooding over the petty remarks people make. I will spend my resources by teaching the girls to be good conscientious people so they can make the world a better place.

My 1st blog

2009-08-28T10:50:00.000-07:00

It's official now. I have a blog, and I'm not ashamed to admit that I was inspired by those whom have come before me and made it look like so much fun. I feel there are many opportunities with writing in this sort of medium. Everyone has a story. Within all of our stories is a chance to inspire, a chance to create, a chance to heal, a chance to see beyond our own limited sight.

I have recently been inspired by a few people to move beyond the pale and create this blog. The first would have to be Patti Digh. Patti's inspirational website and book "Life is a Verb" has convinced me of the power of our words and the good they can do for others. For one like me, who is always searching for the meaning in so many things, Patti's book inspired me to reconnect with my passion for writing.

My second inspirational person is a colleague of mine who has thoroughly surprised me with his creative endeavors and interests. When you work in an industry, and I'm assuming here that it is like this for all industries, you begin to see people only for the job that they perform and forget that they have an inner song that they have to sing just like you. The key here is to not mute that song with all the expectations of daily life. So, I thank you Jason for directing me back to the volume control on my song. I can hear it just fine now.

Last, but not least, is my brother-in-law Mr. Charlie Webster. Charlie has been regaling all that follow his blog with tales of flight, personal introspection and his new discovery of the potential of monetary gain through blogging. His enthusiasm for his blogging endeavor is definitely contagious and inspirational for those, like me, who were looking for yet another creative avenue. Charlie, I do hope I can entertain you as much as you have me. :)

Well, I'm terrible at conclusions so happy blogging.